No matter what

by nrlshzna

First day of work and all everyone had to ask me was what happen on my AL? How did I manage to get on another flight? Isn’t it obvious, but another ticket, duh! Shocked faces is all I get.

No one will ever get why I do certain things. I mean it when I say “no matter what”. I may be exhausted or ill but if you want to see me, I will go to you. I may be a thousand miles away from you with very little available days, I will find a way to fly to you. You may be busy with stuff or work and I’m upset, I will go and see you cause that’s enough to cheer me up. I may be overwhelmed with work or life in general but if you need my help, I will drop everything for you.

But despite all that, I know I make a lot of mistakes. Avoidable mistakes. I curse myself so much whenever I make a mistake. I wish I could always turn back time to a few minutes so I can take back what I said. I don’t know how you can withstand me all this time.

You are constantly changing and improving. Gorgeous looks, impressive hobbies, amazing work portfolio. I can’t seem to match up. I guess I am changing: gaining in size, a new skill (always saying something wrong) and being boring. I don’t know how to match up. I don’t know how to fix the problem. Why am I so stupid?!

That’s probably why I can’t accept when you compliment me. I don’t believe it. But I don’t care about whatever I feel. As long as at that moment, you are happy. Are you happy?

There’s no story line or a planned topic for this post. I guess this is just some things that are constantly on my head. I’m not gonna lie, I’m extremely happy with you but very scared at the same time. I don’t want to lose you in any way. But I do realize that most of the time, I’m the one doing things that drive you away.

I’m a work in progress. I’m really trying.

As I write this paragraph, I’m imagining you’re in bed with me, both facing one another. I locked eyes with you. Just looking at you, I feel the most at peace. No worries or stress. Just so so much love. Love that I wanna tell everyone about and shout from the rooftops. I just wanna cup your face and kiss you everywhere. Hold you tight and never let you go. I’m so crazy in love with you.

I’m sorry if reading this is such a waste of time.

I’m sorry if I’m a waste of your time.